Recognizing the Signs of Bullying in Young Children

Young children sometimes grab toys, exclude a classmate, say hurtful things, hit, bite, or struggle to share. These behaviors need adult attention, but one difficult interaction does not automatically mean bullying is occurring.

Bullying is generally understood as unwanted aggressive behavior involving a real or perceived imbalance of power that is repeated—or is likely to be repeated—over time. In preschool settings, identifying those elements can be difficult because children are still developing language, memory, perspective-taking, emotional regulation, and an understanding of social power.

Very young children may not recognize a repeated pattern or be able to describe it clearly. Adults therefore need to look beyond one incident and examine:

• What happened
• How often it happens
• Whether the same children are involved
• Whether one child has greater physical, verbal, or social power
• Whether the targeted child appears afraid or unable to stop the behavior
• Where and when the behavior occurs
• How adults respond
• Whether the pattern continues after intervention

The goal is not to assign permanent labels. It is to stop harm, understand what is driving the behavior, teach safer skills, and support every child involved.

What Counts as Bullying?

Three features usually distinguish bullying from ordinary disagreement.

1. The behavior is unwanted and harmful

The behavior may be:

• Physical
• Verbal
• Social or relational
• Repeated interference with possessions
• Threatening or intimidating

Examples may include:

• Hitting or pushing the same child repeatedly
• Repeatedly taking one child’s belongings
• Threatening to hurt a child
• Regularly ordering a child to give up toys
• Repeatedly excluding a child from play
• Encouraging peers not to play with someone
• Mocking a child’s speech, body, family, ability, clothing, or culture

2. There is a power imbalance

Power can come from:

• Physical size or strength
• Greater verbal ability
• Popularity
• Control over a desirable toy or play group
• Age
• Social confidence
• A group acting against one child
• Knowledge of what frightens or embarrasses another child

A child may have difficulty stopping the behavior because the other child has more social or physical influence.

3. The behavior is repeated or likely to repeat

A single serious incident still requires intervention, but bullying involves a pattern or a strong likelihood that the behavior will continue.

Providers should examine whether:

• The same child is targeted repeatedly
• The behavior occurs when adult attention shifts
• It happens in the same location
• Other children are recruited
• The targeted child changes behavior to avoid the child or area
• Earlier adult intervention did not stop the pattern

Why Bullying Is Hard to Recognize in Preschool

Preschoolers may not say, “Someone is bullying me.”

They may:

• Lack the words to explain
• Remember only part of an incident
• Fear losing a friendship
• Think the behavior is their fault
• Worry that telling will make it worse
• Describe everyone involved as “mean”
• Report one event without explaining the pattern
• Communicate through behavior rather than words

Adults may also miss bullying-like behavior because it occurs:

• Behind play equipment
• During bathroom transitions
• In crowded dramatic-play areas
• At the edge of the playground
• During cleanup
• While children wait in line
• During arrival or pickup
• When teachers are helping another child

A child may appear cooperative when adults are close and become controlling when supervision is less direct.

Signs a Young Child May Be Experiencing Bullying

No single sign proves that bullying is happening. The same changes may result from illness, family stress, developmental transitions, anxiety, trauma, sleep problems, or another concern.

Look for patterns and combinations.

Changes in mood or personality

A child may become:

• Withdrawn
• Clingy
• Irritable
• Tearful
• Angry
• unusually quiet
• Easily startled
• Less interested in play
• More fearful around peers

A previously outgoing child may begin watching rather than joining.

Avoidance of child care

The child may:

• Resist getting dressed
• Cry before departure
• Ask to stay home
• Complain of stomachaches or headaches
• Become distressed near the classroom
• Ask to arrive late or leave early
• Show relief when a particular child is absent

Physical complaints should be taken seriously. They may be genuine signs of stress or illness.

Changes in sleep or eating

Possible changes include:

• Trouble falling asleep
• Nightmares
• Waking more often
• Eating much less
• Appearing unusually hungry after care
• Asking whether food will be taken
• Returning with untouched meals

Providers should not assume another child is stealing food without observation. Appetite changes may reflect anxiety or other causes.

Lost or damaged belongings

Watch for repeated:

• Broken toys
• Missing comfort items
• Damaged clothing
• Torn artwork
• Hidden belongings
• Items given away under pressure

One missing item is common in child care. A pattern involving the same child deserves investigation.

Unexplained injuries or repeated minor incidents

Look for:

• Scratches
• Bruises
• Bite marks
• Frequent falls near the same peers
• Repeated reports that “nothing happened”
• Fear when asked about an injury

Every injury should be documented according to program policy.

Changes in play

A child may:

• Avoid a favorite center
• Stop playing with certain peers
• Stay close to adults
• Rehearse threatening scenes with toys
• Repeatedly act out being trapped or excluded
• Become unusually controlling with younger children
• Use the same harmful phrases heard at care

Play themes are clues, not proof. Ask gentle questions rather than drawing immediate conclusions.

Signs a Child May Be Using Bullying Behavior

Children who repeatedly harm peers also need support.

Possible signs include:

• Seeking control over play
• Insisting that peers obey
• Repeatedly targeting children with less power
• Threatening exclusion
• Recruiting others against one child
• Showing little response when another child is distressed
• Blaming the targeted child
• Hiding behavior from adults
• Treating aggression as entertaining
• Repeating behavior after ordinary redirection
• Bringing home items that belong to others
• Becoming aggressive when social control is challenged

These behaviors do not mean the child is permanently cruel.

The child may be:

• Copying behavior seen elsewhere
• Seeking attention
• Struggling with communication
• Overwhelmed by the environment
• Experiencing stress or trauma
• Lacking conflict-resolution skills
• Attempting to gain status
• Having difficulty with impulse control
• Feeling targeted in another setting

Intervention should protect peers while helping the child learn safer behavior.

Children Can Be Both Harmed and Harmful

A child who is targeted in one setting may mistreat another child elsewhere.

For example, a child may feel powerless around an older or more verbal peer and then try to regain control by dominating a younger child.

Do not assume every situation has one fixed “victim” and one fixed “aggressor.”

Ask:

• Where else does this happen?
• Does the child act differently with different peers?
• Is the child being excluded elsewhere?
• Has the family noticed new behavior at home?
• Are siblings involved?
• Does the behavior follow a difficult transition?
• Is the child lacking language to enter play?

Understanding context does not excuse harm. It helps adults choose a response that is more likely to work.

How Providers Should Respond in the Moment

Adults should stop harmful behavior promptly, calmly, and clearly.

1. Ensure safety

Separate children when necessary. Check for injury and provide first aid.

2. State the limit

Use simple language:

• “I won’t let you hit.”
• “We do not threaten people.”
• “She said stop. You need to stop.”
• “Everyone may use this play area.”

Avoid long lectures during a highly emotional moment.

3. Support the child who was harmed

Say:

• “That was not your fault.”
• “You did the right thing by telling me.”
• “I will help keep you safe.”
• “Let’s decide what you need now.”

Do not require the child to confront the other child immediately.

4. Address the child who used the behavior

Focus on what happened and what must change.

• Name the behavior
• Explain the impact briefly
• Help the child calm
• Teach an alternative
• Repair harm when ready
• Increase supervision

Do not shame, humiliate, or demand a forced apology before the child understands what happened.

5. Follow up

An incident is not resolved just because play resumes.

Check later with both children and observe the next similar situation.

Document Patterns, Not Just Incidents

Good documentation helps providers distinguish a conflict from an ongoing pattern.

Record:

• Date and time
• Location
• Children involved
• Exact behavior
• Words used
• What happened immediately before
• Adult response
• Injury or property damage
• Witnesses
• Child reactions
• Family notifications
• Follow-up plan

Use objective language.

Write:

“Jordan told three children, ‘Don’t let Mia play,’ and stood in front of the block area after Mia attempted to enter twice.”

Avoid:

“Jordan was being a bully again.”

Review records for patterns by:

• Time of day
• Classroom area
• Activity
• Staffing level
• Peer group
• Transition
• Trigger
• Adult response

Documentation should protect children’s privacy. Do not disclose another child’s confidential information to a family.

Questions to Ask a Young Child

Choose a calm time and use open, neutral questions.

Try:

• “Tell me what happened.”
• “What happened next?”
• “Who was there?”
• “How did you feel?”
• “Has this happened before?”
• “Where does it usually happen?”
• “What did you do?”
• “Did an adult see?”
• “What would help you feel safe?”

Avoid leading questions such as:

• “Did Liam bully you again?”
• “He pushed you because he doesn’t like you, right?”
• “Why didn’t you fight back?”

A child may need to draw, use dolls, or explain through play.

Do not repeatedly question a child in a way that feels like an interrogation.

How Parents Should Raise a Concern

Contact the teacher or director with specific observations.

Share:

• What the child said
• Exact words when possible
• Behavior changes
• Dates
• Injuries
• Damaged belongings
• Avoidance patterns
• Questions rather than accusations

Ask:

1. What have staff observed?
2. Is there a documented pattern?
3. Where does it occur?
4. How will supervision change?
5. What will staff teach?
6. How will my child be supported?
7. When will we follow up?

A productive plan should be more specific than “We’ll keep an eye on it.”

The provider may not be able to disclose discipline, diagnosis, or family information about another child.

How Providers Should Communicate With Families

When a pattern is suspected, speak separately with each family.

For the child who was harmed, explain:

• What was observed
• How safety was restored
• What supervision will change
• How the child will be supported
• When follow-up will occur

For the child using harmful behavior, explain:

• The specific behavior
• The context
• The impact
• Skills being taught
• Changes to the environment
• What families can reinforce
• When progress will be reviewed

Avoid asking families to confront each other directly.

Family meetings should protect privacy and focus on a plan.

Create an Individual Support Plan

A written plan may include:

• Target behavior
• Likely triggers
• High-risk locations
• Supervision changes
• Skills to teach
• Calming supports
• Peer supports
• Family communication
• Documentation method
• Review date

Examples of helpful changes include:

• Positioning an adult near a problem area
• Reducing crowding
• Offering duplicate popular materials
• Teaching entry phrases for play
• Creating smaller groups
• Using visual schedules
• Practicing how to ask for a turn
• Teaching children to say “stop”
• Helping bystanders get an adult
• Separating particular children temporarily while skills are taught

The plan should not rely only on punishment after incidents.

Teach Skills Without Blaming the Targeted Child

A targeted child may benefit from practicing:

• Saying “Stop”
• Moving toward a trusted adult
• Naming what happened
• Joining another activity
• Asking a peer for help
• Identifying safe adults

These skills can increase confidence, but adults remain responsible for protection.

Do not imply that the child caused the bullying by being shy, sensitive, different, or unable to defend themselves.

Help Children Who Witness Harm

Bystanders can strengthen or interrupt a harmful pattern.

Teach children to:

• Get an adult
• Invite an excluded child to play
• Refuse to join teasing
• Say “That’s not kind” when safe
• Stay near the child who was harmed
• Report what they saw

Do not expect a preschooler to physically intervene.

Praise children for seeking adult help and including peers.

Prevent Bullying Through Classroom Design

Prevention is part of daily program quality.

Improve supervision

Identify blind spots and high-risk transitions.

Reduce unnecessary competition

Provide enough materials and clarify turn-taking.

Teach friendship skills

Practice:

• Asking to join
• Offering a role
• Waiting
• Negotiating
• Repairing harm
• Handling rejection
• Asking an adult for help

Use inclusive materials

Books, dolls, pictures, and dramatic-play materials should reflect varied:

• Cultures
• Languages
• Bodies
• Abilities
• Families
• Skin tones

Model respectful behavior

Adults should not use sarcasm, public shame, threats, or labels.

Respond consistently

Children quickly notice when adults ignore some forms of harm.

Avoid Responses That Can Make Things Worse

Do not:

• Force children to “hug and make up”
• Require immediate apologies
• Use public behavior charts
• Shame a child in front of peers
• Hold a joint meeting before safety is established
• Tell the targeted child to avoid all activities
• Remove the targeted child from the classroom as the main solution
• Treat repeated harm as ordinary teasing
• Promise complete confidentiality
• Label a child permanently
• Suspend or expel without first considering supports, except when immediate safety requires action

ChildCare.gov encourages families and providers to address challenging behavior early and work together on consistent strategies. Exclusion may interrupt care without resolving the underlying need.

When to Seek Additional Help

Consider additional support when:

• Harm continues despite a clear plan
• Injuries occur
• A child is intensely fearful
• A child stops eating or sleeping normally
• Behavior appears in several settings
• Aggression is severe or escalating
• A child shows developmental or communication concerns
• Trauma may be involved
• Staff cannot maintain safety
• Family-provider communication has broken down

Possible supports include:

• Pediatrician
• Early childhood mental health consultant
• Early intervention
• School district evaluation
• Child psychologist
• Social worker
• Licensing agency
• Child protection authorities when abuse is suspected

Emergency help is needed when a child is in immediate danger.

Frequently Asked Questions

Related Resources

• 10 Signs of a Daycare with a Great Preschool Program
• How to Choose Child Care: A Parent’s Complete Guide
• Questions to Ask When Interviewing a Daycare Provider
• Signs of a Good or Bad Childcare Center
• Signs of a Good or Bad Home Daycare
• Daycare Contracts: What Should Be Covered?
• What Parents Should Look for in Special Needs Childcare Providers

Sources

• StopBullying.gov: What Is Bullying?
• StopBullying.gov: Warning Signs for Bullying
• StopBullying.gov: Other Types of Aggressive Behavior
• StopBullying.gov: How to Talk About Bullying
• StopBullying.gov: Roles of Early Education and Child Care Providers in Bullying Prevention
• HealthyChildren.org: Why Bullying Hurts All Children
• HealthyChildren.org: Signs of Bullying
• ChildCare.gov: Understanding and Responding to Challenging Behaviors
• ChildCare.gov: Preventing Expulsions and Suspensions in Child Care

ChildCareCenter.us is an independent directory and educational resource. Child care behavior policies, reporting duties, confidentiality requirements, suspension rules, and licensing procedures vary by state and may change. This article provides general educational information and does not replace advice from qualified health, mental health, legal, licensing, or child protection professionals.